Sore Afraid To Leave Alone

        Mark 9:6 Peter knew not what to say: for they were sore afraid.

After I realized, as I sat in the dark, late at night, very much alone, I was drained to emptiness

I saw myself as I disappeared into that black hole of the void and, lo, I was indeed sore afraid

There was nothing to be done for me and no one would go with me for certainly: I had no destination

I was alone with my memories which were about to simply evaporate, with my tiny and silent passing

I finally saw the cold, emotionless certainty behind the noisy, content-free veil of our everyday life

And, no, not one of our currently-vogue One-true-saviors could grant me even the slightest comfort

This nano-bubble of consciousness would soon be swallowed by the black torrent of the universe

So though I could not face it, now I realized there was no direction to which I could even turn away

Somewhere far above I saw a brief, tiny spark and somehow knew it was me, as I streaked briefly

Anger was futile, there was no one to bargain with and only a deep resigned sadness remained

That infinite emptiness surrounded me, compressing my great fear of itself hard within me

I considered the dark abyss and briefly realized my unavoidable, everlasting, inorganic identity

I was as filled with certainty as any of my brothers who communed privately with his personal savior

My faith as unassailable as any illiterate Whateverstani who has memorized the Koran in arabic

I could never be disappointed as I expected an absolute nothingness that I would never even know

I saw that the eternal and everlasting had neither voice nor witnesses, or any motives or passion

Closing my eyes and ears did not help for that only clarified the black source of my great anxiety

I saw that I would only know that very first small step into an oblivion outside of measured time

I chuckled over my so-called legacy whose utter dissolution was just as assured as my own body’s

I knew this loneliness would soon evaporate into unbounded emptiness - and I grew sore afraid

My sustaining illusion of forever shattered in a thousand weightless pieces that quickly blew away

I frightened off a loathsome so-called man of god coming to try and sell me during my weakness

My attitude did not suit the family so they ascribed it to my condition and thereby could ignore it

But I remained secured to my dark vision though it left me totally empty and terrifyingly alone

Know That I Loved Life

Know that I stood in the painted caves in which they dwelt and took a bit of them away

I felt them as they stood behind me, hands upon my shoulder, helping to point my way

I saw fully my own short cycle in the informal death of insects and other forms of life

I knew eternity in the long pause between metronomic, meditative breaths

Know that I have felt life so very strongly that it has brought me to tears

I have loved and been loved for all of my best years

I have howled to the wind, the stars and the vast cold emptiness above

I caught sideways glances at the eternity into which my consciousness always slid

Know that my nostrils quivered and I needed to run off in the cool twilight

I understood that I wasted the vast proportion of the tiny time allotted to me

I watched those who gave me life as they showed me how I, too, must pass away

I struggled with and worried over unimportant issues, for far too many years

Know that I take the shame of certain actions with me as stones I cannot grind

I thank all of those, anonymous or dear, who always helped me in my blindness

I plunged onwards reckless and without direction too full of selfish cynicism

I came very late upon some small understanding of those who just quietly do what is right

Know that I could not accept my weakness and imperfections for far too long

But I was engulfed by the silence between the clock ticks on a Winter afternoon

I had to totally lose my way to realize I had never considered where I was going

I only began to escape my emptiness when at last it began to fill me up

         

Know that I was ever grateful for the sentience blindly granted me by the life force

I worshiped the wondrous cosmos but shunned all forms of religious orthodoxy

I struggled to express myself as intensely as the marlin, the tuna and the dolphin

I was taught to think and to question only to be forced to accept and to play along

Know that I believed in comfort and efficiency always proceeding hand in hand

I am ashamed of our unending commitment to hate and death through war

I am embarrassed by our thoughtless, foolish trampling of this sustaining earth

I believe that we are far too many now, to be so reckless, wasteful and error-prone

Know that I do not strive to attain so-called heaven and have no fear of any hell

I believe my thoughts and actions will gradually dissolve within the great entropy, over time

I fear the permanent loss of my mind more than being dead forever

Always Here For You, Too

I began my work shortly after the first organisms somehow appeared

          They did not last long and I was here to take them back

I know not from where I spring but my function is to return life to the void

          I travel everywhere that life goes - all those places but nowhere else

Without any feeling I relieve you of your every understanding

          I am not offended if you should not accept me, even in the end

I make no deals and cast no bargains and steal closer every single moment

          I have neither voice nor mercy and lack any mind to understand you

I am not cruel or happy and I merely see you off to a place where I can never go

          You cannot imagine me, you will not remember me and I do not know you

I am neither harsh nor cruel, but you can make of me what you will

          I attend your murders, suicides, plagues and starvation - all just alike

You need not fear me any more than you feared your long forgotten birth

          Horrid suffering and evil torture are not even what I am about

But, as pain and anguish may arrive before me, many welcome me in my time

          Often it appears that I am early, but there cannot ever be a mistake

I come to join you forever more to wherever it was that you once emerged

          Behold, I come to honor only the living and not for stone or water

Though I offer no form of gospel, none will be ignored, faithful or not

          Many seek to look beyond me but that is none of my concern

I spend moments with all the bugs, the birds and the plants as well as you

          I witness the end of every detail of the life force in all of the universe

Whether you pass away in silken sheets or bleeding out in filth, it matters not

          I take you away from all this, ignorant of the promises of your faiths

I always travel with you, but linger not a moment when you are gone

          You pass empty again into that void from which all life has surged

I am but a form emerging from your imagination of that which is beyond you

          I am that passage which rejoins you once again with the inanimate

I do not revel in your mass slaughters, and each and every one still gets their moment

          Famine, plague and war summon me to many places, all at once

I am universal and have been unavoidable ever since the first living cell

          I have no face, but your imaginations have lent me many images

The very fact that I am always there goads many into fevered actions

          Regardless of the acts or players the final scene must be the same

I know nothing of the hopeless struggle in which you so joyfully partake

          But be sure that I, too, should love life, for without it, neither do I exist

I have spawned the faith which quiets your lonely desperation

          Truth be told, you need no faith to draw strength from my absolute certainty

I mark the entropy which must always counter the organization of the life force

          When I began and my ultimate future are questions I cannot ask        

All your gods demand belief that will ensure your spirit survives your body

          any post-mortem accounting of such faiths do not affect my actions

I am not alive and I have no soul or consciousness but I am only for the living

          They represent me with skulls but these are as simple stones to me

I can know nothing of your actions, history, families or your dearest beliefs

          There is no lingering on my part when once the life has left you

I am a shadow passing at the start of a dreamless sleep from which there is no awakening

          I cannot answer any questions and am unable to foster any illusions

I am here for you, be you rich or poor, ugly or handsome, young or very old

          I will not mock you and I know nothing of so-called good and evil

I walk always in your shadow until that moment in which we are briefly joined

          I promise you nothing except the absolute certainty of our meeting

Some beg for mercy but I have no way of listening or any kind of understanding

          I arrive at the very end of every lifetime and join it for but an instant

I know nothing of saviors, re-incarnation, souls or the great wheel of life

          I do not learn and, for me, time does not exist

I cannot retain any memories, just like you once were and will forever be

          Quantum chance always summons me because nothing is really scripted

Even though you witness me time and again, my mystery always remains

          You understand the biology but the metaphysics will forever remain beyond you