Sore Afraid To Leave Alone

        Mark 9:6 Peter knew not what to say: for they were sore afraid.

After I realized, as I sat in the dark, late at night, very much alone, I was drained to emptiness

I saw myself as I disappeared into that black hole of the void and, lo, I was indeed sore afraid

There was nothing to be done for me and no one would go with me for certainly: I had no destination

I was alone with my memories which were about to simply evaporate, with my tiny and silent passing

I finally saw the cold, emotionless certainty behind the noisy, content-free veil of our everyday life

And, no, not one of our currently-vogue One-true-saviors could grant me even the slightest comfort

This nano-bubble of consciousness would soon be swallowed by the black torrent of the universe

So though I could not face it, now I realized there was no direction to which I could even turn away

Somewhere far above I saw a brief, tiny spark and somehow knew it was me, as I streaked briefly

Anger was futile, there was no one to bargain with and only a deep resigned sadness remained

That infinite emptiness surrounded me, compressing my great fear of itself hard within me

I considered the dark abyss and briefly realized my unavoidable, everlasting, inorganic identity

I was as filled with certainty as any of my brothers who communed privately with his personal savior

My faith as unassailable as any illiterate Whateverstani who has memorized the Koran in arabic

I could never be disappointed as I expected an absolute nothingness that I would never even know

I saw that the eternal and everlasting had neither voice nor witnesses, or any motives or passion

Closing my eyes and ears did not help for that only clarified the black source of my great anxiety

I saw that I would only know that very first small step into an oblivion outside of measured time

I chuckled over my so-called legacy whose utter dissolution was just as assured as my own body’s

I knew this loneliness would soon evaporate into unbounded emptiness - and I grew sore afraid

My sustaining illusion of forever shattered in a thousand weightless pieces that quickly blew away

I frightened off a loathsome so-called man of god coming to try and sell me during my weakness

My attitude did not suit the family so they ascribed it to my condition and thereby could ignore it

But I remained secured to my dark vision though it left me totally empty and terrifyingly alone

Always Together, Never Again

We always said we would always be together

          Never dreamed of being one without the other

Always be together, at least in these short lives

          No one can say how we first met or why

Those long hours we spent wrapped in each other

          Always waking up with you so warm by my side

I can imagine my own death and some endless stillness

          But I can never imagine being without you

I see our skeletons intertwined on a quiet, hidden hilltop

          Every year we both bleach away just a little more

Always together and slowly fading away as one

          So where now is that love which never ended?

We were made for each other, as we always said

          And when each is finished is that purpose simply quenched?

The joy that you give me that helps light this world

          Without any living memories, tell me where is it found?

The peace and security we create for each other

          Tell me how will it be when we both are gone?

Always together through death into an unimaginable future

          Clinging to each other as we bob towards the unavoidable abyss

Yet we choose to live our lives in love and uncertainty, but not in fear

          The irrational choice of the rational facing this vast unknown

There is no armor but our love, in this long and hopeless struggle

          Our only hope springs from the light we radiate from within

And as we slip away and our hands grow cool though we are touching still

          We can no longer plan for the comfort of each other

Always together, but where were you those first 14 billion years?

          And I fear that you will leave me once again for an even longer time

Finally, Really Out Of Time

When you realize that you may be almost out of time

          Things swim into focus that you know now you never really noticed

The preciousness of the dullest moments you once ignored

          Become quite apparent as you are led off to be rewarded

A series of  last times and silent goodbyes lead to new conclusions

          And things as they are molt into merest memories for you

And though voices call out as you are peeled away

          The path you must take only leads you further and further astray

Then there are those few brief moments so inexplicable and sweet

          And you try to pause within them but they vanish like the dew

And if one finally realizes the very preciousness of the ordinary

          The busy world goes on around, quite unfairly, without a second thought

When at last perched on the brink of that chasm our thoughts can never fill

          Slowly grows an awareness of that awaiting unknown, so dark and so very still

Colors seem somehow brighter, familiar voices ring much more dear

          Though they don’t yet see it as clearly, their time is also very near

There is no more daily rush to nowhere then back again every night

          And now there is this fearful separation from the herd that you must fight

The burden of increasing uselessness grows heavy and confounding

          Food and drink can be tasteless with no real life to surround them

Memories boil up from places far away and all those times that did not last

          It becomes easy to imagine a hidden goodness in the distant past

Opportunities squandered and chances not taken return to haunt

          things you took for granted all those years re-appear just to taunt

Some come to sell you jesus, some come to relieve you of your assets

          The drugs remove your fight but still you lie awake in the night

Chance events from childhood on, strive to weave a full quilt of meaning

          Feverishly your mind keeps seeking some pattern before your leaving

The little ones are brought by to stand in wide-eyed apprehension

          friends and cousins may briefly pause and ask themselves a question

Some perish in a fiery instant, some linger painfully and grow quite bitter

          But many long-held but false assumptions will never even be reconsidered

Some may find great peace in knowing faith alone will see them through

          Others continue to ignore those who pimp religion’s pretty whore

All our lives we comfort in the fact that we always have tomorrow

So it’s quite hard to accept there is no more time to be borrowed

Can I draw from long hours spent praying or squandered in front of TV

          Do I await a re-uniting with those loved ones who left in front of me

Some make wondrous plans for a future others see shrouded in uncertainty

          Faith-based reservations can be made but arrival comes without a guarantee

We can still speak of someday but there are many things that won’t get done

          We can try to forget and to ignore but it will never be again like it was before

It was never supposed to come to this, not for me, in any case

          Dying was like being old, possible only for some other race

My grandma said she would never leave me, but long ago she went away

          I still did not grasp it all, even when mom and dad could not stay

And now as I lay here, so stiff and very still, I see others who have different plans

          To them it is very obvious I cannot escape, but that they most surely will

Like time to a stone

like the long spring twilight so slowly fading but not quite ending

          the dark winter's night without any real beginning

like the endless school year when we were still young children

          time, to a stone, as it is ground into sand by a stream

like the trees never growing though seen every day

          the changes on our own faces, so difficult to notice

like the loss which hurts less often than it did at first

          the future that contains us knowing only one direction

like the threads that lie scattered without cause or effect

          the lines of our lives flow then end, with no change in pressure

like the volcanic islands which arose, flourished and were swallowed

          the constant roar of the ocean as it is pounds away on a shore

like the day of the year which shifts light into dark

          the memory of a lonely figure fading off into a dusk

like the smallest of details which plagues one for long years

          the certainty of our passing can never quite be ignored

like the vision that visits in time of our greatest need

          there is this mute summons served without any notice

like the confusion that we sense at the center of so many things

          comes a slow perception that quietly aids in our adjustment

like the fearless zeal of those who know very little

          the honesty of children which cannot be ignored

like the brief moment we spend as ourselves on this blessed earth

          our un-measurable fraction of all of time grows ever smaller

like the two atoms fusing brightly in a far-off star

          the smallest cause can bring about the biggest change

like the simplest ideas that transform entire societies

          only the best teachers can explain all things to their children

like the way that details appear when one walks upon the land

          the faster we can go the less we are able to notice

like the myriad drops forming a river that’s now lost in the ocean

          those experiences unfolded into someone we had known

like the way the dawn ends so very quickly

          the morning builds quite slowly and then disappears

like the distance light travels while we are sleeping

          the multiverse measures our allotment with utmost precision

like the strain in our voices that was never there in the past

          the stranger with failing eyes shuffling up to the mirror

like the end of the day as we finally drift off into sleep

          the journey of the dying is taken alone, by one and by all

like the time that you wake up not a child anymore

          the days of our wisdom pass quickly in a dimming of our senses

like the home only dreamed of and the childhood but imagined

          the long distant future is as empty for any as for all of the others

like the many days so far gone that we have forgotten when we forgot them

          the unknown we emerged from lies infinitely open before us

like the things which once moved us and the songs in our hearts

          a quiet contemplation becomes a means to our end

like the far distant stars which move but little no matter our puny time frame

          things pass so quickly for so long and then comes nothing more

like the years passing by ever faster than we can grasp them

          the volume of uncertainty increasing geometrically

like the jagged lightning, we are hurled to the earth

          the endless days that follow leave but a random pile of pearls

like the holy blue planet in whose shallows we bathe in the light

          the darkness eternal surrounds while enfolding us into long night

like the countless tiny creatures with crucial lives to attend to

          the nearness of the emptiness spurs us on to but small actions

As You Left

David Meyer, October 1, 2004

As you left

          I only knew for sure that I, too, would go

As you passed

          I asked in silence why not me

As sure as you were gone

          I was sure I would not stay

As you grew cold

          I watched myself grow very still

As you faded off in time

          I observed as I returned to dust

As you slipped away

          I found it made no real sense

As you parted company

          I dwelt upon my own farewells

As you moved on

          I caught a glimpse of all our pathways merging

As you disappeared

          I could see my own outline growing fainter

As you turned away

          I witnessed that there is nowhere left to turn

As you left us

          I felt the guilt of the living

As you sailed off

          I thought of myself sinking

As you grew so still

          I did not want to move

As you went off all alone

          I saw me leaving by myself as well