Sore Afraid To Leave Alone

        Mark 9:6 Peter knew not what to say: for they were sore afraid.

After I realized, as I sat in the dark, late at night, very much alone, I was drained to emptiness

I saw myself as I disappeared into that black hole of the void and, lo, I was indeed sore afraid

There was nothing to be done for me and no one would go with me for certainly: I had no destination

I was alone with my memories which were about to simply evaporate, with my tiny and silent passing

I finally saw the cold, emotionless certainty behind the noisy, content-free veil of our everyday life

And, no, not one of our currently-vogue One-true-saviors could grant me even the slightest comfort

This nano-bubble of consciousness would soon be swallowed by the black torrent of the universe

So though I could not face it, now I realized there was no direction to which I could even turn away

Somewhere far above I saw a brief, tiny spark and somehow knew it was me, as I streaked briefly

Anger was futile, there was no one to bargain with and only a deep resigned sadness remained

That infinite emptiness surrounded me, compressing my great fear of itself hard within me

I considered the dark abyss and briefly realized my unavoidable, everlasting, inorganic identity

I was as filled with certainty as any of my brothers who communed privately with his personal savior

My faith as unassailable as any illiterate Whateverstani who has memorized the Koran in arabic

I could never be disappointed as I expected an absolute nothingness that I would never even know

I saw that the eternal and everlasting had neither voice nor witnesses, or any motives or passion

Closing my eyes and ears did not help for that only clarified the black source of my great anxiety

I saw that I would only know that very first small step into an oblivion outside of measured time

I chuckled over my so-called legacy whose utter dissolution was just as assured as my own body’s

I knew this loneliness would soon evaporate into unbounded emptiness - and I grew sore afraid

My sustaining illusion of forever shattered in a thousand weightless pieces that quickly blew away

I frightened off a loathsome so-called man of god coming to try and sell me during my weakness

My attitude did not suit the family so they ascribed it to my condition and thereby could ignore it

But I remained secured to my dark vision though it left me totally empty and terrifyingly alone

Always Together, Never Again

We always said we would always be together

          Never dreamed of being one without the other

Always be together, at least in these short lives

          No one can say how we first met or why

Those long hours we spent wrapped in each other

          Always waking up with you so warm by my side

I can imagine my own death and some endless stillness

          But I can never imagine being without you

I see our skeletons intertwined on a quiet, hidden hilltop

          Every year we both bleach away just a little more

Always together and slowly fading away as one

          So where now is that love which never ended?

We were made for each other, as we always said

          And when each is finished is that purpose simply quenched?

The joy that you give me that helps light this world

          Without any living memories, tell me where is it found?

The peace and security we create for each other

          Tell me how will it be when we both are gone?

Always together through death into an unimaginable future

          Clinging to each other as we bob towards the unavoidable abyss

Yet we choose to live our lives in love and uncertainty, but not in fear

          The irrational choice of the rational facing this vast unknown

There is no armor but our love, in this long and hopeless struggle

          Our only hope springs from the light we radiate from within

And as we slip away and our hands grow cool though we are touching still

          We can no longer plan for the comfort of each other

Always together, but where were you those first 14 billion years?

          And I fear that you will leave me once again for an even longer time

In Just A Few Billion Years

In a couple of billion years what you have done is still not going to matter

After the sun grows cold and has long ago given off its last photons

Well after our star has swallowed this blue planet in a thrombolitic swelling

When the last geological epoch ended much earlier in an unrecorded history

Even the last fossil has long since disappeared without a trace

And our succoring atmosphere escaped sometime in some distant past

In just a few billion years all the ripples from your thoughts merge into nanonymity

Death will no longer have a presence in our solar system

And I just bet you will still be up there relaxing in heaven with jesus and mohammed…

After the milky way has grown old and merged with other galaxies

When the life force no longer travels with our beloved Sol

Our earlier history can still be seen from several billion light years away

In a couple billion years all your rules will be long in their rightful places

Forever after the oceans boil away, the story of life on earth goes untold

Our shallow graves have been vaporized for human eons no one counted

Universal truths, discoveries and morals wait unused and without volition

When any injustices inflicted have long since had nothing to affect

The grace achieved from suffering gave way to the yet organic but now interstellar

In a few billion years our collective unconscious shares no memories

Probing life forms cannot discern the slightest trace of our existence

All our trash is at last truly recycled and diffused to the density of outer space

Long after the subjective ceases and the objective is no longer measured

The life force blossoms sentience once again for other creatures to briefly ponder

And you watch it all from somewhere off in a gloriously painted baroque heaven…

In a couple billion years, geo-years will disappear as the earth ceases to orbit

Time can be marked for a while by the dead sun’s journey round our galaxy

Unceremoniously our foolish actions and beliefs evaporate and attenuate

Our chaotic signals diffuse across space, merging with the cosmic background

And all the information that we ever had is still there - but quite still and unknown

Lo, after uncountable universes come and go you still dwell in that gilded heaven…

In a few billion years our effects will cease rippling the cosmic pond forever

The inexorable march of entropy renders our miniscule labors moot

And all of this can be sensed in the space between these two simple breaths

Nothing Can Do All Of This

        Everything in the universe comes out of Nothing – Tao Te Ching     
          nothing can prepare you for the afterlife among the stars

nothing can make you understand the meaning of a billion years

nothing can change the speed with which you return to cosmic dust

          nothing can teach you more than you knew when you were born

          nothing can only calm you if you ignore nothing at all

nothing can stop the decay that is your sacred birthright

nothing can defeat you even though there will never be a battle

          nothing can persuade you more completely than nothing at all

          nothing can hide you if there is nothing left of you to see

nothing can protect you since you remain here quite willfully

nothing can be part of you before well you learn to think

          nothing can hurt you if you hold on to it too tightly

          nothing can be forgotten until it is finally time to go

nothing easily assumes the place of everything you know

nothing can disappoint you when you still have expectations

          nothing can satisfy you given enough time and distance

          nothing can convince you that you have had too much

nothing can destroy you before you understand

nothing can identify you from the other faces in the crowd

          nothing can hypnotize you if you look it in the eyes

          nothing can delay you when you are in a hurry

nothing can be left alone if you really think about it

nothing can feel the same once you have it realized

          nothing can spoil the dreams of even the evangelical

          nothing can escape even the keenest of vision

nothing can evade the collective wisdom of the tribe

nothing can ignore the strength of our beliefs

          nothing can help you in your lonely vision quest

          nothing can relieve all of this earthly suffering

nothing can be counted on to be there in the end

nothing can reveal that for which we seek

          nothing can remove the sin they say emerged with birth

          nothing can cleanse us after all the sins of our lives

nothing can console us once we have lost it all

nothing can please those which nothing satisfies

          nothing can change our lives if we simply recognize it

As You Left

David Meyer, October 1, 2004

As you left

          I only knew for sure that I, too, would go

As you passed

          I asked in silence why not me

As sure as you were gone

          I was sure I would not stay

As you grew cold

          I watched myself grow very still

As you faded off in time

          I observed as I returned to dust

As you slipped away

          I found it made no real sense

As you parted company

          I dwelt upon my own farewells

As you moved on

          I caught a glimpse of all our pathways merging

As you disappeared

          I could see my own outline growing fainter

As you turned away

          I witnessed that there is nowhere left to turn

As you left us

          I felt the guilt of the living

As you sailed off

          I thought of myself sinking

As you grew so still

          I did not want to move

As you went off all alone

          I saw me leaving by myself as well