Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Planned Departures

        Globally, Over 1 million people a year die by suicide - WHO
He punched the cruise control, undid his safety belt and aimed for the tree
          He lived several moments, merged with the wreckage and branches

The car idled in the garage, a hose running from its exhaust into the window
          The CD changer played on and the dead man spilled a bit of red wine

The shotgun he had fired with his toes lay near his crumpled torso
          The inside of his head splattered and misted the wall behind him

The last step took him over the cliff and the acceleration energized him
          Fully awake hitting the rocks he never made another movement

He beat his wife, finished the case of beer and then called the police
          He threatened them with his empty shotgun until they riddled him with bullets

He saved up his pain meds, though he suffered, yet he remained quite silent
          One evening he took them all and drowned quietly in his own vomit

After drinking for hours they roared off upon their powerful new jet skis
          The force of their impact killed him even before his friend drowned

He overate and then smoked, drank heavily and laid about for many years
          The crushing pain in his chest came one day, like a prize in the mail

She lay in the now cold bathtub water stained pink with her blood
          Her wrists were neatly slashed and her shapely legs were nicely shaved

She said her goodbyes to each of the family as they gathered all around her
         She willed herself to be gone and simply ended the pain and the weakness

He was strapped into the explosives through a mumbling of prayers and praise
          After the Mullah triggered his flight by cell phone, his family celebrated

Lost in a stoned depression his subconscious purposely ignored a dump truck
          His shabby little car was crushed as it ground him into a juicy pulp

Left for another, she shortly stepped off the platform just in front of a train
          There was not much left to clean up and the funeral was very small

Sealing dry cleaning bags over his head, he sat quietly and turned quite blue
          Condensation had formed by the time his youngest child entered the room

With a noose round his neck attached to the ceiling he kicked away the chair
          He struggled gagging in the air for a five minute eternity

He strapped on a great rock, tied up his hands, then jumped into the water
          he took a breath at ten feet, choked and inhaled but one more time

She overdosed not quite on purpose but surely not purely by accident
          The attendants discussed the fine augmentation work done on her breasts

Fortified with a quart of vodka, he vowed to end this Winter in the snow
          He was not cold for long and soon he fell asleep and did not awaken

Poised high over the bay with a strong tide rushing out far below, he leaped
          Crabs, mollusks and scavenging fish cleaned him up pretty quickly

Unable to stand his continuing success, he put his small plane into a tail spin
          I read that he was a good pilot on a clear day, without mechanical issues

Facing life with no possibility of parole he dissed the leader of the blacks
          One day later they knifed him to ribbons underneath the showers

Depressed over a lack of attention, her suicide attempts kept her alive
          As a fatal overdose overtook her, she realized her mistake

Strung out on the last of his crank he began to mix another batch
          The explosion and fire burnt his toothless face beyond all recognition

Flushed with an early success the guitarist bought his first new motorcycle
          His long golden hair was matted with the contents of his skull

At midnight of the shortest day the medicine man finished his great circle
          His people evinced little sadness as he was now with their ancestors

Far from any trail he found a spot beneath a spruce facing south with a grand view
          He took the pills and waited for the crows, hoping never to be found

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Growing Younger Every Day


To preserve the loveliness of your once-bonnie brown hair
          you dyed it a color that nature never knew
To restore your lovely figure
          you spent thousands on surgery that quickly proved worthless

To combat the wrinkles, without success
          you smeared on expensive creams and got botoxed as well
To renew the vigor you only imagined you once knew
          you swallowed many costly, yet unproven supplements

To mitigate your unwanted increase in maturity
          you piled on the large and expensive gold jewelry
To remain attractive and appealing within the confines of your mind
          you financed new, fancier cars as often as possible

To try and become sleek and fit and to lose the guilt from your awful diet
      You drove twice a week to spend 20 minutes watching TV strolling on a treadmill
To weigh little more than you did as a teen seemed like a great triumph
          Ignoring the fact that wrinkled fat is far bulkier than lean muscle

To combat your ever-lightening skin
          you sought out the sun and attained that leathery, reptilian look
To watch your weight and retain your appeal
          you exposed every bone in your anorexic face

To compensate for the diets which quite utterly failed
          your forced your hair to grow bigger, stiffened up with industrial gel
To keep pace with your rapidly fading sense of smell
          you sprayed on ever more sickeningly sweet but costly perfume

To realize the full creative human potential locked there within you
          you took a six week self-renewal course and went on a few horseback rides
To renew your attractiveness after being dumped and rejected
          you joined a gym and lost 10 pounds til you found another chump

To try and hide the wrinkles, the sags and your bags
          you troweled on many coats of concrete-like beauty plaster
To keep from having to face the void that so clearly beckoned
          you learned to cope by blankly flipping channels

To have it all you burned both ends as you stewed in the middle
          your were worn out too soon and then dried up way too fast

In A Heartbeat, If I Could Just...


Someday I’m going to really live like that music sometimes makes me feel
After a couple years I won’t have to listen to their whiny bullshit anymore
Pretty soon I won’t have to see any of these clowns here again
Just a little while and I’ll be out of here for good

Before you know it, I’ll have all the time in the world
In a heartbeat I would blow this pop stand off, for once and for all
Someday I’ll stay at that place I still remember from in my rear-view mirror
After a couple years every day will be just like Saturday for you and me

Pretty soon I’m gonna drive off in a big old brand new pickup truck
Just a little while and we’ll be doing all the stuff like they do in the movies
Before you know it we’ll beat these old timesheets into funny postcards
In a heartbeat I could pack it in for them parts still unknown

Someday I will take the time to stay a few more days
After a couple years we’ll be off somewhere chasing red Indian sunsets
Pretty soon we can sell this tired old house and retire in real style
Just a little while and we’ll make it to the top of the hill

Before you know it we’ll spend the entire autumn simply watching changing leaves
In a heartbeat, if I could just pay off a few more of these crazy healthcare debts
Someday we won’t just be acting, like we do now, every weekend
After a couple years they’ll see that I really wasn’t just like them

Pretty soon I won’t be all pissed off just because it’s Monday
Just a little while longer and I’m going to walk away from it all
Before you know it we’ll be relaxing together on some white and sandy beach
In a heartbeat I would tell them all to take a hike and ride on out

Someday I’ll have the time to read that stuff I keep on blowing off
After a couple years we won’t even bother to watch TV every single night
Pretty soon we’ll be staying home to avoid the weekend crowds
Just a little while and, Hey listen, I swear, we won’t be too old to enjoy it

Before you know it my dumbass boss will be a just a funny memory
In a heartbeat if only the cars and house didn’t cost so much, each & every month
Someday we’ll sip margaritas every afternoon in the shade of a nice palapa
After a couple years we’ll go on that trek up and through the Nepal Himalaya

Pretty soon the kids will be gone and we can start to travel
Just a little while and I’ll retire and write down the wisdom I distilled from all this bullshit
Before you know it we’ll spend nights in the smoke of the magic campfire
In a heartbeat I could give it up and sell hot dogs at the beach




Someday we’ll blow off health insurance even though we’re a little fat
After a couple years, if things get better, we should be able to retire
Pretty soon your flawed project’s artificial deadline won’t mean Jack to me
Just a little while and me and the Marlboro Man will be out riding on the range

Before you know it I’ll be on to more important things than this
In a heartbeat if I could just hit it right on a couple of quick day trades
Someday soon I’ll chuck all this shit and go off to work for myself
After a couple years it looks like the end should be coming into sight

Pretty soon I won’t find that I’m mad about something stupid all the time
Just a little while longer and there won’t be any more of that boring housework
Before you know it we’ll just be in them commuter’s way as we take off on our next vacation
In a heartbeat I’d walk away from all my MP3s and the big-screen TV

Someday soon I’ll get a break and we’ll roll in style on out to Vegas
After only a couple years I should begin to see a little daylight
Pretty soon all my money won’t be going up in smoke and interest charges
Just a little while and my fat pension might actually kick in

Before you know it we’ll quit working and stop getting any older
In a heartbeat I’d blow off this mess and go away to live like Jesus
Someday we won’t just have to worry about money all the time
After only a couple more years our time is going to come at last

Pretty soon I won’t have to listen all day long to morons on the phone
Just a little while til we ride away in our brand new RV for good
Before you know it we’ll hear the ocean from our hammocks every night
In a heartbeat if we could just find a way to get past this and that

Someday I won’t just be trying to get through another week once again
After a couple years I’m thinking we won’t spend so much time at the malls
Pretty soon now we won’t be so damn tired we cannot see by Wednesday night
Just a little while before we can start to live for whatever things might still really matter

Before you know it, we can start to spend all this time that we’ve been saving every day
In a heartbeat I’d tear up my damn credit cards and burn down the house
Someday we’ll have lots of money and we won’t have to work anymore
After a couple more years we’ll have a little time just to set and think things over

Pretty soon we’ll pack up our reading glasses, prescription drugs and go
Just a little while and we will stand aside and laugh at all the rodents
Before you know it, why, we’ll have time to just wait until the light is right for the picture
In a heartbeat but I got this deadline and we just re-financed the house for Jason’s college