Among his hobbies were going out to eat and watching NASCAR
races
She always coordinated her pre-planned outfits with utmost
care
He had an impressive collection of pornographic websites
saved on computer
She cooked them delicious meals using canned and
pre-packaged ingredients
He enjoyed driving his loud pickup truck with its expensive
custom mufflers
She drove safely while talking on her cellphone and sipping
expensive lattes
He spoke with Jesus regularly after the deep shock of his
mid-life coronary
She was serious about watching every single episode of all
her favorite TV shows
His own opinions were often voiced by others on television,
the internet and radio
Vacation planning was an important aspect of her life
satisfaction
They enjoyed discussing sports and movies with him after
boring meetings
All her trash was always tied up neatly inside of shiny
plastic bags
He owned several weapons which he enjoyed firing in his
spare time
Her granddaughter was a single mother before her grandma was
45
He only drank to excess on the weekends and missed very
little work
She put 15000 miles a year on an SUV that never left their
town
He was a valued patron of the gaming industry and nearly a
poker expert
She was on a gossiping first name basis with the stars in
all her magazines
His yard was always cut short and quite green and his garage
was very clean
She was so attractive that she remained a hooker until well
after turning 40
His knowledge of beer commercials was impressively encyclopedic
She was ever feisty despite her emphysema, diabetes and
obesity
He pursued a career in drug addiction and did graduate work
in prison
She worked full-time and raised children with absolutely
equal attention to both
He drove heavy equipment and found it unnecessary to ever
read
She was a professional real estate agent who made friends
very quickly
He had no patience with those worn-out, liberal cowards who
live in France
She supported our troops and hoped they all came back safe
and sound
He rolled his credit card debt into his home mortgage on
three occasions
She decorated every year for each season and every holiday
He had a healthy mistrust of fuzzy thinkers such as
scientists
She always kept her hair dyed right down to the roots
He took his wife to Las Vegas for that very special 25th
anniversary
She never drove around the town with her car windows down
In his mind, he carried his excess weight like so much
powerful muscle
She was proud of her gifted children and kept them strictly
to their meds
He brought them the latest home entertainment he had bought
on shaky credit
She got a part-time MBA and was quickly advanced to middle
management
He financed a loud Harley and dressed up expensively for
short rides on Saturdays
She tried to banish her cellulite with the various creams
she saw on TV
He was never observed to simply be out walking -
Anywhere, anytime
She eased the suffering of menopause with alcohol, pills and
bitchiness
He began saving for retirement around age 55, but the
economy then went south
Her friends all said she was a wonderful home entertainer
Despised by subordinates, dismissed by superiors, he was
quite irrelevant at home
She tried hard to visit her Mom at the nursing home at least
once a month
He loved the outdoors and drank beer there as often as he
could
She learned to cook her own Meth in the kitchen of their
apartment
As a high-powered sales executive he put his people skills
to good use
Sometimes she power-walked for up to 20 minutes after lunch
When he went on vacation, people often thought that he must
be quite well off
She fed the birds and squirrels as she poisoned the ants and
wasps
He cut to the chase, stayed on message and met the bottom
line at the end of the day
She believed in women’s rights and liked it when men held
the door for her
He worked with great loyalty and they downsized him without
a second thought
She delighted in tormenting her Ex for years after he
unceremoniously kicked her to the curb
He honestly did not know the tired man staring at him from
the mirror
She had a white, fuzzy, little dog that she talked to like a
baby
He often had a strong urge to beat someone to death with his
soft bare hands
She spent time in tanning booths because she felt that she
was worth it
His barbecue grill cost $1500 and he had a little fridge out
there as well
Her jewelry always drew stares of admiration from those in
the know
He belonged to that proud fraternity of injured former
would-be athletes
She quickly lost 15 lbs and bought stylish new clothes after
her divorce
His friends down at the tavern always cashed his check for
him on Fridays
She killed germs ruthlessly with the newest anti-bacterial
cleanser available
His son once stole his credit card number and bought
videogames on the internet
She tried volunteer work but those people did not
appreciate her efforts
He tossed his burning cigarette butts aside wherever he
might finish them
She spent hundreds a month on high-fat, low-fiber, packaged
factory family foods
He sneered at the fool recyclers, tree huggers and energy
conservationists
She found a secure job and caged the system for many
unproductive years
His goal was to always keep the bed of his pickup truck very
clean and empty
She enjoyed the little treat of having her nails done once a
week
He always had the time to leer as the young secretaries
passed on by
She braided her grey hair, wore Indian turquoise and smoked
menthol cigarettes
He was nearly overcome by road rage on several different
occasions
She noted happily that she did not grow old as did all her
contemporaries
He believed the government should step aside and let him run
his business
She devoured countless mystery and romance novels in her
bathtub
Though his eyesight and wind failed him, he never lost his
badboy attitude
She survived her husband and got by alone for nearly twenty
years
His self-esteem was low as he was but a weak and reviled
high school teacher
She trained as a nurse to help others but burned out in a
hurry
His great sensitivity denied him success in the Darwinian
office arena
She dispensed spontaneously-generated opinions freely on all manner of subjects
Violence, porn, beer, food and loud noises were the real
joys of his life
She adopted each passing new-age fad as a singularly
life-changing event
His behavior became more saint-like in proportion to the
malignancy of his prostate
She loved baby animals and prepared delicious veal cutlets
for her children
He looked forward to retirement and died 15 months
thereafter
She clung grimly on to life and, in the end, it cost a cool
half a million
He said that we should just level their useless countries
with our nuclear weapons
She knew nothing and no one for the last three years of her
life
He was taken in mid-flight on a journey he had never planned
or reviewed
Her implants still looked good as ever even as they were
embalming her
He desperately sought their unearned forgiveness for his
abuse, anger and absence
She left behind thousands of cherished knick-knacks that
they quickly threw away
His job was sent overseas, they canceled his retirement plan
and so he defaulted on his debts
She spoke often of her money problems but saved until the
day she died
He mixed business with pleasure until the concoction blew up
in his face
She showed the children pictures from their shared past that
they could not recall
All his long experience and hard-earned wisdom were totally
ignored as pathetically irrelevant
Her old and faded pictures might have been of a woman of
great beauty and grace
He built a huge second home as a place where he would try
and bring the family together
Sometimes she found herself in tears for no apparent reason
He loved to get behind the wheel where he took control in
heavy traffic
She had no desire to be rich or famous and in that she succeeded
fully
His former colleagues still mention him every now and then
at work
She filled them up with unavoidable guilt during each of
their numerous visits
He certainly was not one to try to do more using less
She proudly displayed a knife wound sustained in a bar fight
His service in Vietnam provided a basis for guilt-free and
lifelong dependency issues
She ignored livestock manufacturing conditions and shopped
family meat on price alone
He shared a pro sports championship along with other loyal
fans one year
She said she felt safer riding high in an SUV on the way to
the grocery store
He adhered to a strict regimen of alcohol, tobacco, a poor
diet and never exercised
She spent thousands on cosmetic surgery and wound up looking
like a zombie
He could compare vehicle horsepower over many model years
from memory
Her ankles gradually swelled as her obesity worsened her
circulation
He often observed wryly to his fellows that when you are
dead that you are dead
She knew in her heart of hearts that she was not descended from some ape
