He Rides With Me

He rides with me

          Long bony fingers rest lightly upon my shoulder

He stands behind me

          He casts a shadow upon me even under noonday sun

He takes rest with me

          He reeks of the earthy smell of my own decay

He laughs with me

          He sees my toothless skull beneath the sandy soil

He looks at me

          From somewhere within my dying father’s eyes

He comforts me as he holds me close

          when I can no longer bear the pain

He waits with patience for me

          While my short moments come to pass

He drinks with me

          And he helps me to see how old you know I have become

He trains with me

          As I prepare to take him on

He believes in me

          And truly I can never fail him

He flees with me

           We look back for him together

He stays with me

          Always just a careless moment from leaving for good

He prays with me

          With his toothy grimace, ever unchanging

He closes his hollow eyes with me

          In case the bell should toll while I sleep

He reminisces with me

          His dry cackle sending the noisy crows into the air

He takes to the road with me

          As we seek the kindness of some good soul to bury me

He rolls the dice with me

          Someday those grinning snake eyes will come up at last

He gives thanks with me

          For without life he does not exist

He takes chances with me

          But never does he lose his grip upon my naked soul

He grows careless with me

          And he lets me make it easier for him to do his job

He grieves with me

          And his tears are as cold as any November rain

He forgets with me

          Yet through dreams he always keeps in touch

He smells the Spring with me

          Even as we rest alone in the darkness of February

He rages with me

          But there is no rage to be found within him

He breathes with me

          And every single breath reduces my precious finite store

He believes with me

          Without any wavering from the goal that we share

He grows fatigued with me

          And his shadow increases in its length and darkness

He wastes time with me

          For to him it is indeed just the same

He gasps for air with me

          Thereby gaining more of his real voice

He absorbs the world with me

          As he prepares to begin my sifting back to the earth

He goes to war with me

          Soundlessly he greets those with my brothers

He answers the call with me

          Steadying my gait upon this pre-ordained path

He contemplates forever with me

          Yet he is but the mute doorman to the void

He is frightened with me

          But he whispers that soon I will fear no more

He tells lies with me

          Only laughing out loud when I lie to myself

He stumbles off to sleep with me

          My snoring and my mumbling help him to frighten children

He fades away with me

          Until my bones are bleached so white and very pure

He stays at home with me

          Quiet and clean until my time has come

He struggles for life with me

          And in the end he is there beside me

He makes deals with me

          Somehow I miss the details just like all the others

He asks for mercy with me

          For she is, after all, his saintly sister

He views the microcosm with me

          His hand ever upon me, watching their lives play out

He grows pale with me

          But for him, it is a sign of increasing strength

He makes foolish mistakes with me

          Just to illustrate how close he always remains

He reeks of life just like me

          Maybe a little more damp but very earthy

He sits up with me

          Staring into the dark with those huge empty eyes

He drives too fast with me

          His grip ever tightening upon my shoulder

He helps himself with me

          And he might envy all the fat that he will never have

He watches the sunset with me

          Our dusty smiles and tattered looks, one and the same

He heads off alone with me

          Always just as close as that last mistake

He smiles with me

          For he is always grinning, in any case

He kisses ass with me

          It is the kiss of death no matter what

He finds time with me

          Just the same he counts the knots every day

He loses consciousness with me

          Knowing all the while if it will return

He blasphemes with me

          Laughing at the slightest unease that I might feel

He gets quite sick with me

          Finding my feverish ruminations entertaining

He fucks with what I call my soul

          But that is neither his real job nor his true purpose

He slays the enemy with me

          And together we watch ourselves lay down til I die

He finds fault with me

          Shrieking with inner joy at the life that’s left within me

He wanders aimlessly with me

          Every stop a ticket punched on my chosen route

He stands in the rain with me

          Our dirty clothes all wet in the shadow of a rainbow

He fears the unknown sounds of the night with me

          My anticipation seems to draw him nearer

He performs one routine task after another with me

          A monotony of boredom before my delivery to the emptiness

He sees all this suffering with me

          His whispers of the causes and the meaning, I never quite hear

His vision fades with mine

          As the grasp I only thought I had upon the world grows ever weaker

He stands shivering in the snow with me

          But he is ever so much colder without any flesh

He pays back debts with me

          And in the end I still owe him everything

He becomes lost in thought with me

          But those brief moments are deducted just the same

He strays off course with me

          Yet the path we take remains just as straight

He makes friends with me

          During that brief interval between the ashes

He performs unspeakable acts with me

          Faithful witness to any heinous crime

He ignores advice with me

          Howling madly at the moon as we lurch along our way

He finishes jobs with me

          Every motion just one more decision that cannot be undone

He bites feeding hands with me

          But there is no joy within him from my folly

He watches others pass away with me

          Silent and alone, his emptiness fills my thoughts

He stays far away with me

          But no matter where I roam, where I am going always stays as close

He casts down his eyes and I am grateful

          As some kind soul digs my small place

He works through the pain with me

          My age a weight that slowly increases my burden

He fears for the safety of my loved ones with me

          Never losing sight of the next possible random life changing event

He evolves from dust to dust with me

          No simple journey but certain just the same

He waxes and wanes from ashes to ashes with me

          And it is not like he has never been there before

He gazes fixedly with me

          Wondering how I could have forgotten our noble cause

He founders and fails with me

          Knowing that I reach his goal under all possible scenarios

He considers the devil with me

          Not explaining what I will only understand when he shows me

He questions god with me

          But his job is finished before my nails stop growing

He feels immortal as much as me

          For he cannot realize that he, too, must perish when life is no more

He looks directly into the sun with me

          Still, no light can penetrate those empty sockets

He frolics by a fantastically colored sea with me

          He is so sober he never knows that he is stoned

He bears witness with me

          His mute testimony forever ignored by the righteous

He stops passersby with me

          They sense our closeness and try to get away

He seeks the eternal with me

          But he cannot know that some day he too will have no more work

Finally, Really Out Of Time

When you realize that you may be almost out of time

          Things swim into focus that you know now you never really noticed

The preciousness of the dullest moments you once ignored

          Become quite apparent as you are led off to be rewarded

A series of  last times and silent goodbyes lead to new conclusions

          And things as they are molt into merest memories for you

And though voices call out as you are peeled away

          The path you must take only leads you further and further astray

Then there are those few brief moments so inexplicable and sweet

          And you try to pause within them but they vanish like the dew

And if one finally realizes the very preciousness of the ordinary

          The busy world goes on around, quite unfairly, without a second thought

When at last perched on the brink of that chasm our thoughts can never fill

          Slowly grows an awareness of that awaiting unknown, so dark and so very still

Colors seem somehow brighter, familiar voices ring much more dear

          Though they don’t yet see it as clearly, their time is also very near

There is no more daily rush to nowhere then back again every night

          And now there is this fearful separation from the herd that you must fight

The burden of increasing uselessness grows heavy and confounding

          Food and drink can be tasteless with no real life to surround them

Memories boil up from places far away and all those times that did not last

          It becomes easy to imagine a hidden goodness in the distant past

Opportunities squandered and chances not taken return to haunt

          things you took for granted all those years re-appear just to taunt

Some come to sell you jesus, some come to relieve you of your assets

          The drugs remove your fight but still you lie awake in the night

Chance events from childhood on, strive to weave a full quilt of meaning

          Feverishly your mind keeps seeking some pattern before your leaving

The little ones are brought by to stand in wide-eyed apprehension

          friends and cousins may briefly pause and ask themselves a question

Some perish in a fiery instant, some linger painfully and grow quite bitter

          But many long-held but false assumptions will never even be reconsidered

Some may find great peace in knowing faith alone will see them through

          Others continue to ignore those who pimp religion’s pretty whore

All our lives we comfort in the fact that we always have tomorrow

So it’s quite hard to accept there is no more time to be borrowed

Can I draw from long hours spent praying or squandered in front of TV

          Do I await a re-uniting with those loved ones who left in front of me

Some make wondrous plans for a future others see shrouded in uncertainty

          Faith-based reservations can be made but arrival comes without a guarantee

We can still speak of someday but there are many things that won’t get done

          We can try to forget and to ignore but it will never be again like it was before

It was never supposed to come to this, not for me, in any case

          Dying was like being old, possible only for some other race

My grandma said she would never leave me, but long ago she went away

          I still did not grasp it all, even when mom and dad could not stay

And now as I lay here, so stiff and very still, I see others who have different plans

          To them it is very obvious I cannot escape, but that they most surely will

Who kindly stays just out of sight?

who rides up quietly behind to place a gentle but firm hand on my shoulder

          who works without smiling but with all his teeth showing

who dresses in black and hides his face from the light

          who walks right beside us, though just out of sight

who finds us with ease no matter where we travel

          who takes only his due which is all that we have

who comes filled with mercy for those who have suffered

          who frightens the widows as they lay under the covers

who laughs at the devil and jesus alike

          who is with us at night and in the strongest of light

who helps us to hurry and then stays our hand

          who leads us back to the void from where we once sprang

who finds us our place at just the right time

          who keeps us moving from dust back to dust once again

who answers all questions with only silence and shepherds us away

          who singles out every one of us on our assigned day

who does not discriminate between human and animal

          who keeps track of all living things place in the line

who at last relieves us of all of our suffering

          who leads us so gently away from ourselves

who is always there in spite all of our loneliness

          who kindly stays with us until we are quite finished

who cannot be imagined but is neither forgotten nor remembers

          who knows only the mercy of random number generation

who knows us, one and all, in an anonymous but intimate way

          who is the one that none of us can ever know at all

who may come here for us but cannot linger

          who takes us off somewhere that we never experience

who takes us away but carries no burden

who else is so natural but fills us with such fright

who can we know only in our imaginations

          who cancels our debts and takes all our money

who does not listen and has no need to see

          who never speaks except with our voices

who rustles the curtains and obscures the moon

          who plays no part in any memorial service

who do we welcome while crawling in pain

          who speaks to the children who cannot understand

who can surprise us so completely we leave without our farewells

          who deliberates for months as we waste away

who do we think that we never shall see

          who knows the date we cannot escape

who touches but once as we grow stone cold

          who is gone long before our faces turn gray

who gathers us together though working alone

          who does not live but always exists only where there is life

who handles the details as we slip away

          who takes the wheel as we lose our grip

who nudges us back to that unknown we sprang from

          who does not conceive of where we are going

who answers no questions but keeps us awake with our asking

          who ends each one’s sorrows in just the same way

who must we prepare for, though we cannot know how to plan

          who comes with the predator but does not stay for the feeding

who joins hands with us at birth and finally peels back their grip

          who bars the way back but can never go with us

who leaves us with shudders after coming quite close

          who abandons us to nothing after just one short meeting

who lights the grim pathway of our last steps

          who leaves us just as soon as his promise is kept

who renders our dreams into faint echoes

          who delivers a cryptic message to the living as we pass

who sees us through a dark portal and then turns away

          who never forgets us while we ignore him during our short stay

who sits up late with us for just as long as it takes

          who leaves that sense of calm behind in his wake

who counts every creature from microscopic to whales

          who helped the dinosaurs as they slipped away

who has an ironclad contract with life itself

          who may be faced but was never meant to be conquered

who works with life to energize the entire earthly food chain

          who depends totally on all forms of birth

who do young maidens sleep with when lovers go to war

          who joins the great circle for all of the life forms

who comes quite randomly yet with a guaranteed certainty

          who gives no answers but raises doubts and further questions

who rides at my shoulder, faithful and true

          who always forgives but never forgets

What Would You Do

What would you do if you learned it would only be a year

          Could you do everything and then sum it all up, if it were so very near

What if right now you knew you had to leave in just 30 days

        How much would you try to experience and what goals would you raise

Would you find something different in the beauty of every sunrise

          Would you note all the last times like each was good for a prize

Could you possibly place everything in order and be prepared to unwind

          Perhaps you might simply determine to fight and to somehow survive

Suppose that you were convinced you would be dead by tomorrow

          If the colors seemed so much brighter, would that be simply from sorrow

Should you rush about trying to do all the things you had promised

         Or maybe spend time dwelling on something you knew you had missed

Would you consider their memories of you and try to change their tone

          Would you bother to get rid of those many things you still own

Consider that the plane is falling straight down and gathering speed

          How could you prepare yourself in that awful panic, terror and need

How much time would you ask for, if it were forced to be decided

          At that crucial moment, by what principles would you be guided

Would you even bother to watch your beloved TV anymore

          Would you pray for salvation or consider the void as never before

Who would you contact and what might you say

          What affairs would you attend to and which ones would you let lay

What should you do about your children’s future

          How might your spouse do without you to help and to script her

Would you sadly realize that you had wasted so much time

          Would you mainly miss daily actions of the most ordinary kind

Are there those you would tell the things to, that you have always known

          Would you expire inside or outside, far away, or in your own home

Would you keep on working until they carried you away

          Could you remain quiet or would you tell anyone who would stay

Would you turn to religion and let faith be your true guide

          Would you just end it all early and leave the priests feeling denied

Should your family interrupt their lives as you are expiring

          How could they understand the way your neurons are rewiring

Does it make sense to ease your anguish with pain medication and religion

          Why bother to keep up with your physical education

In this strange light, what message would you prepare for your children

          Should you spend money furiously on dreams to try and fulfill them

Would you sleep dark nights through or lie awake counting every moment

          Could you draw any meaning looking back on the blur and the foment

Should you take some time and write out your own obituary

          Does it make sense to fuss around cooking and keep being handy

What activities could possibly sustain you as you counted down to the nil

          Would you donate your organs and finally make out your last will

Would you still strive to keep your lawn well-trimmed and green

          What could you share with your grandson so he would see what you mean

Do you think you could extract some bit of wisdom from where you have been

          If you find ways to maintain will they conflict with what you have seen

What would you do first and what would you try to be doing at the end

          Would you swell hotly with anger and then collapse among friends

Would you choose peaceful narcotic fantasies or the blunt edge of reality

          Could helping others possibly ease the pain of your imminent fatality

Could you consider the fate of everything that you have been taught

          Could you conceive of a universe completely devoid of your own thought

Would you be able to draw any real satisfaction from your old recreations

          Would it help those you hurt if, near the end, you had some revelation

What would you choose to be the last thing that you say

          Who would you have stand by you as you finally slip away

What would you do if you had only a few short years left on this earth

        And how would you react if that time began the instant of your birth

Faux-Golden Years

For now I am ready to retire and become that cute and cuddly grandpa

But my prostate has swelt up like an orange and I need that quintuple bypass

I wish to take my time now and to stop and smell those lovely roses

Yet I am 30 pounds overweight and my blood pressure is way too goddamn high

I look forward to the things I worked so much for all those long, hard years

But I have lost my hair and my back just plain hurts me every day and all the time

I plan to see all those places I have only dreamed of during all my work-filled life

However, I cannot walk, even quite slowly, without wheezing and turning red

I want to take some time to sort things out and make a bit of sense of it all

But my memory fails rapidly and I find simple explanations really are the best

I look forward to great adventures in the freedom of the open road

I poke along in my bloated RV between those safe, costly and sterile campgrounds

I finally get to spend some time with my family and my grandchildren

Turns out I don’t really care for them and they don’t have much time for me

I am excited to make new friends and live a rich and rewarding social life

I wear little diapers because I leak a bit after each of my 15 daily pees

I want to travel lightly, looking for excitement, like I did so long ago

I go nowhere without several pairs of glasses and all of my prescription meds

I collect my thoughts and refine my experiences into a unique vision of my own

I am viewed as a simple dodderer, quite inconsequential and totally irrelevant

I will finally spend some time communing with nature and learning of myself

Hopefully, my hearing aid does not feedback too loudly or have its battery go dead

I plan to hike to the many places I have noticed driving by, where people never go

My cardio and knees are simply gone and I tire quickly in the grocery store

I will hit the hot spots and go to all the famous beaches

Laws may have to be passed to keep my ugly body safely hidden from public view

I hope to gain a new perspective regarding our lives and our times

The world moves so fast around me I just want to keep out of its way

I will stand up for my rights with the others of my storied generation

I mean to attend those creepy Day of the Living Dead demonstrations

I can spend my time helping teach the children to know right from wrong

I am just another body to be looked after, according to their teachers

I try blending in, but my wrinkles and my thin white hair set me far apart

People blow right by me though I walk just as fast as I deem it sensible

I can easily fall asleep by friends and family with my mouth lolling open

If I have a good bowel movement I judge the day to have been a pretty good success

My thin and shiny skin has large dark blotches in among the spreading wrinkles

My yellow toenails get cut twice a year whether I can see them or not

I love getting out of doors and riding in a golf cart while smoking a cigar

I prefer eating dinner at 4 pm to avoid any indigestion when I try to sleep at 9

I talk to people I haven’t seen for years but they look at me quite strangely

Each new diagnosis yields a flood of flattering attention that brings meaning to my life

As You Left

David Meyer, October 1, 2004

As you left

          I only knew for sure that I, too, would go

As you passed

          I asked in silence why not me

As sure as you were gone

          I was sure I would not stay

As you grew cold

          I watched myself grow very still

As you faded off in time

          I observed as I returned to dust

As you slipped away

          I found it made no real sense

As you parted company

          I dwelt upon my own farewells

As you moved on

          I caught a glimpse of all our pathways merging

As you disappeared

          I could see my own outline growing fainter

As you turned away

          I witnessed that there is nowhere left to turn

As you left us

          I felt the guilt of the living

As you sailed off

          I thought of myself sinking

As you grew so still

          I did not want to move

As you went off all alone

          I saw me leaving by myself as well