Faux-Golden Years

For now I am ready to retire and become that cute and cuddly grandpa

But my prostate has swelt up like an orange and I need that quintuple bypass

I wish to take my time now and to stop and smell those lovely roses

Yet I am 30 pounds overweight and my blood pressure is way too goddamn high

I look forward to the things I worked so much for all those long, hard years

But I have lost my hair and my back just plain hurts me every day and all the time

I plan to see all those places I have only dreamed of during all my work-filled life

However, I cannot walk, even quite slowly, without wheezing and turning red

I want to take some time to sort things out and make a bit of sense of it all

But my memory fails rapidly and I find simple explanations really are the best

I look forward to great adventures in the freedom of the open road

I poke along in my bloated RV between those safe, costly and sterile campgrounds

I finally get to spend some time with my family and my grandchildren

Turns out I don’t really care for them and they don’t have much time for me

I am excited to make new friends and live a rich and rewarding social life

I wear little diapers because I leak a bit after each of my 15 daily pees

I want to travel lightly, looking for excitement, like I did so long ago

I go nowhere without several pairs of glasses and all of my prescription meds

I collect my thoughts and refine my experiences into a unique vision of my own

I am viewed as a simple dodderer, quite inconsequential and totally irrelevant

I will finally spend some time communing with nature and learning of myself

Hopefully, my hearing aid does not feedback too loudly or have its battery go dead

I plan to hike to the many places I have noticed driving by, where people never go

My cardio and knees are simply gone and I tire quickly in the grocery store

I will hit the hot spots and go to all the famous beaches

Laws may have to be passed to keep my ugly body safely hidden from public view

I hope to gain a new perspective regarding our lives and our times

The world moves so fast around me I just want to keep out of its way

I will stand up for my rights with the others of my storied generation

I mean to attend those creepy Day of the Living Dead demonstrations

I can spend my time helping teach the children to know right from wrong

I am just another body to be looked after, according to their teachers

I try blending in, but my wrinkles and my thin white hair set me far apart

People blow right by me though I walk just as fast as I deem it sensible

I can easily fall asleep by friends and family with my mouth lolling open

If I have a good bowel movement I judge the day to have been a pretty good success

My thin and shiny skin has large dark blotches in among the spreading wrinkles

My yellow toenails get cut twice a year whether I can see them or not

I love getting out of doors and riding in a golf cart while smoking a cigar

I prefer eating dinner at 4 pm to avoid any indigestion when I try to sleep at 9

I talk to people I haven’t seen for years but they look at me quite strangely

Each new diagnosis yields a flood of flattering attention that brings meaning to my life