The Everlasting Night

So soon now I lay me down to sleep forever

Never again to wake up together

An eternal night is how it will seem

But in all that time, not a single dream

Suns grow cold and beliefs forsaken

And through it all, I will not awaken

Years in billions pass by uncounted

With all my senses fully blunted

Wont be resting on some fairy cloud

Aren’t any noises that are too loud

Never gonna be either hot or cold

No more worries about getting old

There’s no alarms that I could hear

Not one old fear can reappear

Memories no longer get me upset

For now there’s nothing to forget

No news can bring me any grief

I rest so secure with no beliefs

Wont wake up when you roll over

Got no problem staying clean and sober

Can’t decide to trade rhyme for reason

Not concerned with form or function

Wont be scared of background silence

Don’t feel one pang of nagging conscience

All my thoughts so long since faded

Effects of my actions all fully dissipated

A few molecules of me swirl in the dust

Though I, too, swore ‘In God We Trust’

No more trying to save time

No career ladder left to climb

Don’t remember when I fell asleep

Wont wake up with the creeps

Now I’m bound to miss eternity

But there’s nothing more can ever bother me

Delivered from each and all my cares

Never to awaken, and no more nightmares

Sore Afraid To Leave Alone

        Mark 9:6 Peter knew not what to say: for they were sore afraid.

After I realized, as I sat in the dark, late at night, very much alone, I was drained to emptiness

I saw myself as I disappeared into that black hole of the void and, lo, I was indeed sore afraid

There was nothing to be done for me and no one would go with me for certainly: I had no destination

I was alone with my memories which were about to simply evaporate, with my tiny and silent passing

I finally saw the cold, emotionless certainty behind the noisy, content-free veil of our everyday life

And, no, not one of our currently-vogue One-true-saviors could grant me even the slightest comfort

This nano-bubble of consciousness would soon be swallowed by the black torrent of the universe

So though I could not face it, now I realized there was no direction to which I could even turn away

Somewhere far above I saw a brief, tiny spark and somehow knew it was me, as I streaked briefly

Anger was futile, there was no one to bargain with and only a deep resigned sadness remained

That infinite emptiness surrounded me, compressing my great fear of itself hard within me

I considered the dark abyss and briefly realized my unavoidable, everlasting, inorganic identity

I was as filled with certainty as any of my brothers who communed privately with his personal savior

My faith as unassailable as any illiterate Whateverstani who has memorized the Koran in arabic

I could never be disappointed as I expected an absolute nothingness that I would never even know

I saw that the eternal and everlasting had neither voice nor witnesses, or any motives or passion

Closing my eyes and ears did not help for that only clarified the black source of my great anxiety

I saw that I would only know that very first small step into an oblivion outside of measured time

I chuckled over my so-called legacy whose utter dissolution was just as assured as my own body’s

I knew this loneliness would soon evaporate into unbounded emptiness - and I grew sore afraid

My sustaining illusion of forever shattered in a thousand weightless pieces that quickly blew away

I frightened off a loathsome so-called man of god coming to try and sell me during my weakness

My attitude did not suit the family so they ascribed it to my condition and thereby could ignore it

But I remained secured to my dark vision though it left me totally empty and terrifyingly alone

Just Leave Me Be Right Here

The Dog Tag from where I lay

This is my chosen place

I get the good winter sun

This was not an accident

And it is not a crime scene

Please to leave me be

I do not bother anyone

The crows are done with me

And now I bleach my bones

Let me be alone with my peace

This place is not on the map

I came here on my own

I mean to stay for good

Don’t need an investigation

Don’t want no death certificate

Don’t got any next of kin

Go away, I’m busy listening

I am not even trespassing

My taxes are all paid up for good

This stuff is biodegradable

I don’t make any noise

I came here on my own

No one else is responsible

I have no other home

This is where I want to be

Got no affairs to settle

The snow don’t bother me

I don’t light no fires

And I’m not camping here

Smile back at me

Look into my empty sockets

Do not bury me

Leave this note upon me

Turn my skull to the light

This is how I want to fade

Go on and get away now
And please just leave me be

My Last Wishes

No one should use any method on me that artificially maintains my life

If I am sure to die and there is no real remedy, let me go without regrets

I wish that my organs be donated should they be of use to anyone else, but not for profit

I do not wish that I should ever travel to any funeral home

I reject being embalmed and will have no one pay for any commercial services

Keep the undertakers and the preachers strictly away from my passing

I ask that I have no coffin but merely a simple, degradable piece of cloth

In fact, a warm and trusted old wool blanket will suit my needs quite well

I accept no spot within a cemetery but prefer anonymity in some open land

Just keep me far away from the traffic’s poisonous roar

I request that no strangers speak over me unless no one else knows me there

I specifically deny that preachers, ministers or priests use me as their prop

If you can find it, you might read The Beckoning Void very quietly

A little gentle music would be nice, if anyone there can play

I would like a shallow burial such that I might help nourish the good earth

Please plant some native species directly over my unmarked grave

If times are bad or I am poor, simply leave me outside in my work clothes

Feed me to the crows, rodents and insects and let my bones bleach out in peace

Let me face the Winter sun should I perish in those snowy mountains I loved so very much

Leave me somewhere that is unvisited and unlikely to be disturbed

My writings are all that I have of any personal value

Do with them what you will

Give my stuff to my wife, family, relatives and friends in order should they want it

Then donate it all to charity, recycle it and, finally, throw away anything else that is left

Know That I Loved Life

Know that I stood in the painted caves in which they dwelt and took a bit of them away

I felt them as they stood behind me, hands upon my shoulder, helping to point my way

I saw fully my own short cycle in the informal death of insects and other forms of life

I knew eternity in the long pause between metronomic, meditative breaths

Know that I have felt life so very strongly that it has brought me to tears

I have loved and been loved for all of my best years

I have howled to the wind, the stars and the vast cold emptiness above

I caught sideways glances at the eternity into which my consciousness always slid

Know that my nostrils quivered and I needed to run off in the cool twilight

I understood that I wasted the vast proportion of the tiny time allotted to me

I watched those who gave me life as they showed me how I, too, must pass away

I struggled with and worried over unimportant issues, for far too many years

Know that I take the shame of certain actions with me as stones I cannot grind

I thank all of those, anonymous or dear, who always helped me in my blindness

I plunged onwards reckless and without direction too full of selfish cynicism

I came very late upon some small understanding of those who just quietly do what is right

Know that I could not accept my weakness and imperfections for far too long

But I was engulfed by the silence between the clock ticks on a Winter afternoon

I had to totally lose my way to realize I had never considered where I was going

I only began to escape my emptiness when at last it began to fill me up

         

Know that I was ever grateful for the sentience blindly granted me by the life force

I worshiped the wondrous cosmos but shunned all forms of religious orthodoxy

I struggled to express myself as intensely as the marlin, the tuna and the dolphin

I was taught to think and to question only to be forced to accept and to play along

Know that I believed in comfort and efficiency always proceeding hand in hand

I am ashamed of our unending commitment to hate and death through war

I am embarrassed by our thoughtless, foolish trampling of this sustaining earth

I believe that we are far too many now, to be so reckless, wasteful and error-prone

Know that I do not strive to attain so-called heaven and have no fear of any hell

I believe my thoughts and actions will gradually dissolve within the great entropy, over time

I fear the permanent loss of my mind more than being dead forever

Always Together, Never Again

We always said we would always be together

          Never dreamed of being one without the other

Always be together, at least in these short lives

          No one can say how we first met or why

Those long hours we spent wrapped in each other

          Always waking up with you so warm by my side

I can imagine my own death and some endless stillness

          But I can never imagine being without you

I see our skeletons intertwined on a quiet, hidden hilltop

          Every year we both bleach away just a little more

Always together and slowly fading away as one

          So where now is that love which never ended?

We were made for each other, as we always said

          And when each is finished is that purpose simply quenched?

The joy that you give me that helps light this world

          Without any living memories, tell me where is it found?

The peace and security we create for each other

          Tell me how will it be when we both are gone?

Always together through death into an unimaginable future

          Clinging to each other as we bob towards the unavoidable abyss

Yet we choose to live our lives in love and uncertainty, but not in fear

          The irrational choice of the rational facing this vast unknown

There is no armor but our love, in this long and hopeless struggle

          Our only hope springs from the light we radiate from within

And as we slip away and our hands grow cool though we are touching still

          We can no longer plan for the comfort of each other

Always together, but where were you those first 14 billion years?

          And I fear that you will leave me once again for an even longer time

Tattered Gray Shadows

memories of all the good times

fewer stories, oft-repeated

the tie that binds when the cord is cut

obscene tirades not remembered

the great old oak that roots the clan

at last upturned with roots exposed

one who has known you for all of your days

more demanding than your child

that person once so very active

that man now lying in his own wastes

keeper of what they used to say

simply entranced by TV games

happy model for our golden years

unlikely plans for resuming life

one who helped you when you were helpless

you cannot really help her now

he who, smiling, made it look so easy

now you find you have no answers

lives of dignity and quiet virtue

ignored by strangers at their day jobs

strong men who fought in the greatest war

gray shadow struggling to sit up for dinner

enjoying a life of wise contemplation

lying awake in a confusing silence

doing things there was never time for

squirming over bedpans and suffering from bedsores

spending time with the grand kids

frightened children at a stranger’s bedside

passing on rich memories and great lessons

mementos committed to the dumpster

secure enough after a life spent saving

nest egg plundered by corporate health care

skills for living honed and sharpened

quiet desperation among real strangers

committed forever to a soul partner

left alone to sort out the tatters

enjoying a healthy, active lifestyle

watching their bags fill through tubes

making plans and talking trips

but riding everywhere on their backs

watching fat and getting fiber

eating dog food to stay on budget

seeing the grand children growing up

mistaking your daughter as her child

wisely tending to the household

being fleeced by thieves and cons

passing away with quiet dignity

bilked one last time by the funeral ‘industry’